Frayed at the Edges of Hope: Why Dreams Coming True Can Still Feel Hard

A Sail, Frayed, Yet Sailing 

I was recently talking to a dear friend and expressing some deep exhaustion I’ve felt as of late while on a journey to one of my biggest hopes. 

Something to know about my friend, she’s a wonderful listener and she knows just how to help you see your own wisdom and strength. After I had vented for some time about all the wonderfully uncertain and exhaustive hopes I’m working towards, she encouraged me, trying to help me see how much has been accomplished in spite of uncertainty and exhaustion. My reply:
”Well I feel like a boat that hasn’t capsized just yet, but my sail is pretty tattered.”

Her expert response; “A tattered sail still catches wind” and “this sounds like the perfect blog.”

The Tension of Positive Change

So here’s the big hope I’m working on - I’m in the process of becoming a parent through adoption. It’s been the biggest hope of my life to date and by all means is one of the most joyous actions I’ve ever taken. 

I’m also exhausted. 

I’m also sad sometimes. 

I’m also deeply uncertain as anyone is with a journey like adoption. 

By nature, change causes tension between the old and the new- even the good kind of change. Despite this, our society can be so hyper fixated on joy being the primary emotional experience, especially when we’re doing “good, great, and wonderful” things in our lives (cue the whole premise of Pixar’s Inside Out - and if you haven’t seen it, go watch it!) We also tend to put this kind of pressure on ourselves. As we accomplish goals and take on new heights, if the feelings rendered are not happy go-lucky, we can become critical of ourselves so quickly.

If I had a penny for every time I’ve seen this paradigm in the therapy space I’d be a very wealthy woman. Clients of mine are accomplishing their goals and increasing their tolerance for fear. They will have done things they never thought they could do because of OCD and anxiety. In all senses of the phrase, “they’re better.” It is at this stage in care that I always make a point to ask about grief. 

Anxiety’s Myth of “Arriving” 

It's not that OCD is causing grief - it's that even good change has tension. Much like a sail that has seen heavy weather and distance, frayed edges and holes exist as we accomplish our big race, and that powerful transformation has mixed emotions. How could it not? So much was done, seen, and experienced in the ocean of change and evolution to get to the great changes. 

In some ways, I feel like this is the next level in exposure therapy, to learn how to hold space for new types of discomfort in very different circumstances rather than solely focusing on fear. This is also where the birth place of my passion ‘Hope Based Exposure’ was born. See, hope has this incredible ability to help us operationalize uncertainty for what it is - a true unknown made up of all the possibilities, as well as feelings. 

It also helps us to remember that there is no ‘arriving’ as it relates to healing or seeing through an important journey. The journey is ongoing as life evolves. Feeling pressured to be constantly grateful, energized, or ‘done’ just because you’re closer to accomplishing a goal or treatment is nothing but a hankering for feeling like crap. Frayed or not, these sails of ours can still catch the wind and we are ever moving, ever evolving, and we can acknowledge the profound yet difficult nature of that. 

Replenishment Through Permission

My wonderful friend helped me to see more clearly that in the pursuit of this big, wonderful, and incredible hope of mine – I’m allowed to be more than one color. I’m allowed to be a little or a lot frayed at the edges. I’m allowed to have a variety of emotional experiences. 

None of that detracts from my amazing journey of becoming a mom.

And if you’re a person going through treatment, finding yourself scared of what's ahead as you witness yourself entering a new and unfamiliar kind of life… 

I invite you to give yourself permission to simply float. 

Sometimes before we take on the new and exciting changes, we need to let that sail down, lay it on our laps, and take in the sunset we’ve reached at a slower and kinder pace. Maybe make some gentle repairs and adjustments before setting sail again.

There’s always tomorrow and many days ahead to take on the new big adventures.